Wednesday, October 27, 2010

One week already....

Went to the Pumpkin Shine tonight with Gabriel, my friend Jennifer, and her son Cameron.  When we lived in Louisiana Nathan and I would go to the Pumpkin Shine since we lived across from the park.  It is sponsored by a local school.  Where classrooms decorate pumpkins and then line them along the Park's Path.  Super cute, tons of people, and Gabriel was in Heaven pointing out all the Pun-Kins.  Pictures soon!!

While walking along the path I spotted my ER Doctor.  I kind of just stood and stared at him.  He looked up, looked at me, and then the puzzled looked cleared way to recognition.  He nodded his head and I smiled and continued to walk.  This made me realize it has been a week since I miscarried.

After my official OB Appt I went home with hope in my heart.  Two days later the hope crumbled.  I was taking a nap, to wake, roll over to get something off the nightstand, to feel this gush of blood all over me.  I just laid there for a moment and thought Oh My God!!  I threw back the covers to see myself covered in blood and sheets and mattress pad soaked as well.  I went into manic mode and had to save the mattress.  Yes funny things you do when your body naturally goes into protection mode.  I striped the bed, cleaned myself up, threw sheets and pad into washing machine, to lay back down and call Nathan.

He immediately left work and we cried.  Nathan fought with me about going back to the ER.  I told him no way.  I wasn't having cramps and felt like the "blood cot" had finally passed.  I explained that I understand the nurse in him wanted me to go but he needed to be my husband and respect my decision.  So we never went to the hospital and I laid low the entire weekend.  I explained to a couple of friends that I couldn't take another round in the hospital.  My arms and hands had finally healed from all the blood drawn and no bruises.  That the Dr. keep telling me there is nothing they can do this early on to save the baby.  So in my mind no need to go.

We made the decision that weekend that I would drive down with Nathan to Louisiana to spend the 5 weeks of his training with my parents.  My bleeding had become just the occasional spotting but the Hyperemesis hadn't let up.  We slowly packed and hit the road the following Wednesday.  The drive from Dayton to TN was pretty uneventful except for me getting sick a couple of times.  Gabriel did amazing as well as Bailee.

Made our first stop in TN.  Next day arrived in MS to stay two nights with his dad.  I hadn't thrown up in two days and was starting to feel better.  We thought either the excitement of almost being home or maybe I was finally getting out of the morning sickness stage.  Saturday came and we made it to my parents.  Still haven't thrown up but the nausa had come back.  Nathan left Sunday for San Antonio while we unpacked and settled in for out 5 week vacation being at home in Louisiana.

Move forward to Wednesday.  Woke up feeling weird and just couldn't put my finger on it.  Went to a movie that night with my best friend and cramps started half way through.  For whatever reason I didn't think anything of it.  Came home and got ready for bed.  That is when I passed the baby.  Crystal came back to stay with Gabriel while he slept so mom and I could go to the ER.

I will skip all the details of the trip of the ER.  I truly had amazing care there and thankful for having my mom.  For some reason I was so determined not to break down and I held myself together for the most part.  Till the ER Doctor confirmed I had indeed miscarried the baby.  He was so calm, sincere, and told me it was okay to cry as I kept apologizing over and over again for my tears.

The days afterwards were just gut wrenching.  Nathan was able to come home Thursday till Sunday.  My parents took over with Gabriel to let Nathan and I heal.  The rest of the time we just spent every minute as a family.  I tried my best not to cry with Gabriel around because I didn't want to freak him out.  At night Nathan held me while I cried, talked, and we prayed.

Nathan is back at training and I am healing.  Somehow through this process we have found a new love for one another.  We are closer than we have ever been and talk more too.  Then comes the joy, love, and appreciate we both have for Gabriel.  This past week I have been making sure my eyes are truly open to our son and not wanting to miss anything.

Seeing the Dr. tonight made me sad and I cried.  But the tears quickly went away as this calm feeling came over me.  I know in my heart we will have another baby or two in time.  Until then, I am focusing on my relationship with God first.  Then my family and friends.  This has honestly been the longest 12 weeks of my life.  However through the understanding and growth I wouldn't change it for anything.  God made Nathan and I go through this for a reason and I am seeing the reason. 

Just The Way You Are........Bruno Mars

Has begun one of my favorite songs.  I find peace, love, and understanding in this song.  I smile and sing at the top of my lungs wishing my husband was in the car with me just smiling at me.

My daddy likes to call me Fertile Mertle.  Why? It took only one night of major passion to conceive Gabriel.  I was shocked, scared, preparing for a move, and wasn't sure if I was ready to become a mother.  9 months later Gabriel arrived and he has been one of the biggest blessings to Nathan and I.

Jump to August 2010.  Two days/nights of passion and we conceive Baby #2.  This time I was not scared, but shocked that it only took once (again) to conceive.  Thing is both times we were not trying to make a baby.  Just beyond in love and it happened. 

We told our parents and made them promise to not share the news.  For some reason I was not ready to spread the news like we were with Gabriel.  Looking back I guess that was warning sign #1. 

Move forward to September and Nathan leaving for SERE School.  He left at 5:30am.  2:45pm my friend took me to the ER for I started to have serious bleeding and cramps.  Thank goodness her husband watched Gabriel.  Had the worst experience ever at the ER.  So horrible I am ashamed of the hospital for the care they gave me.  We left the ER being told I had miscarried and was about 6ish weeks pregnant.  Told to come back Friday for more blood work.

Friday comes, blood work is drawn again, and waiting starts for the Dr. to call about results.  Finally have the guts to tell Nathan what is going on and broke down in tears.  Not much he could do being in Washington State and in serious training.  So he made phone calls and finally got a Dr. to call me on a Friday night none the less.  Phone call resulted in me going up there Sunday for a full complete exam and more blood work.  ER was wrong I was still pregnant.

Sunday comes with the result of me put on the BETA Board and until further notice blood work twice a week and a vaginal ultrasound one-two times a week to monitor what my body was doing.  Ultrasound I was about 6 weeks pregnant.  Warning sign #2....the Dr. said medically I shouldn't be pregnant and do not understand why I am bleeding the way that I am. 

Wednesday comes and I meet another Dr. have another round of blood work, and more ultra sounds.  Positive news....they finally find a heartbeat.  This Dr. had a hard time finding the baby let alone the heartbeat.  Another Dr. was called in.  She was more forceful but found the heartbeat and baby.  Other news, found a blood clot very close to the baby.  This resulted the Dr. telling me to do modified bed rest.  Come back for more ultrasounds but no need for blood work. 

By this time the Hyperemesis has kicked in and hitting me harder than it did when I was pregnant with Gabriel!!  Zofran was issued and it seemed to work the first couple of days.  Move to the next week.  Same Dr. and again was having issues finding baby and understanding the blood clot and if it had grown or not.  Another Dr. was called in.  This time I knew the Dr. and saw him several times when pregnant with Gabriel.  I felt at ease because I trust him and his bed side manner is wonderful.

He looked at all the bleeding, size of baby, and blood clot.  He told me to do pelvic rest, monitor lifting and playing with Gabriel, and no exercise.  Explained to me that we are not out of the woods even though the baby had grown since last week.  Said he has seen women with more bleeding than me and 9 months later have a healthy baby.  Has also seen women with less bleeding than me and not have a successful pregnancy. 

Warning sign #3....his face.  He just had this look that I read as in this wasn't going to be a easy go.  This is when my heart finally caught up with my brain (or maybe the other way around) that we were not going to have a successful pregnancy.  I can't say what it was but just this over all feeling.  Mind you the other part of me was still praying that my feelings were wrong and that this baby was going to make it!

So they ordered me to go down to Radiology and have a complete ultrasound done.  Dr. wanted to have them examine the blood clot and see just how far along I really was. 

Monday came of the next week and the ultrasound was horrible.  The Tech was rough and couldn't find my ovaries!!!  When I asked him about the blood clot he was dumbfounded and asked who said I had a blood clot.  I told him that is the reason why I was here along with finding out exactly how far along I was.  Yeah....he said he didn't know. 

So mind you this is Monday.  I have run out of my medicines, bleeding heavily, and hurt from the ultrasound.  By now I have friends saving me and taking turns watching Gabriel from breakfast through dinner.  He comes home just in time for story time and bed.  In the meantime I am laying in bed all day and praying.  Praying for God to save this child.  Praying for the bleeding to stop.  Praying for the neausa to go away and all the throwing up to stop.  But more than anything I am praying for a freaking Dr. to call me back about the Ultrasound and refill my meds (Zofran and Phenegran).

During this time I can't talk with Nathan because he is in the part of training with no contact and out in the woods.  So my parents have been guiding me on what to do.  I call Nathan's boss, 1st Shirt, and explain to them exactly what is going on.  Letting them know that I am not ready for Nathan to pulled out of training but if I do get worse someone needs to know.

Move to Thursday night but same week.  Finally get to talk to Nathan.  Explain everything that has been going on.  He makes phone calls and finally a Dr. calls me back.  She said that she had been trying to call me but phone wasn't working...whatever.  We only have our cells and she never called.  Told me she will refill my meds and for me to call and make regular OB appointment because the blood clot was gone, they took me off the BETA Board as well.  When asked about the blood clot, man she stumbled over her words and basically lied through her teeth.  Said no blood clot and that the baby was doing great.

Nathan got home that weekend and we were horrible to each other.  Fighting, non-talking and just a hot mess.  Why....STRESS!!!!!

He goes to work on that Monday and makes an appt for me for that Wednesday.  Wed. comes and I finally have an offical OB appt.  Paperwork, blood work, and another Ultrasound.  I saw a NP and she was awesome!!! Took the time to read my file and talked with me about how I was doing and feeling.  We saw the heartbeat strong and said I was 8.2 weeks pregnant.  She even gave me a "due" date for May 12, 2011.  When asked about the blood clot she looked into the files and stumbled over her words.  Explained that sometimes the blood clots just go away or my body absorbs it.  I wanted to believe her but with the Radiology Tech, Dr. on phone, and now her, I felt like they were lying.  What the real story was there was a mistake about the ultrasound and the blood clot was not in the file to look up.  Do we know this for sure?  No but you know when you are being lied to!

None the less I went home with slight hope and more drugs!  Hope that I was just one of those women who bleed and that this baby was fighting like a champ to finally meet us 9 months later.  Yeah that hope didn't last long.......... 

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Pumpkin Patch

Woke up after only 3 hours of sleep feeling very crafty.  Gabe with waking up 5 times during the night last night (no nap, poopie diaper, and maybe bad dreams?) I was worried he was going to be Mr. Attitude when he woke up. However I found him singing and dancing in his pack-n-play.  Sweet!!! 

Off to Pumpkin Patch we went to take pictures.  I dressed him up in his Halloween costume and his Pumpkin Patch outfit (sooo cute I tell ya!!).  However I gave him his golf club (plastic) in the car and driving down the interstate Gabe decided the window would be his golf club.  Which resulted in my yelling to stop...........

Yeah I scared him so bad that he jumped and immediate tears came.  I felt sooo bad for yelling but I seriously didn't want to have to explain to Grandma what happened to her car window!!  So needless to say this put Gabriel in a foul mood for pictures.

So I will post pictures soon and pray when I upload them I will get at least two good pictures!!  Gabriel wanted NO part of saying cheese, looking cute, or sitting with all the pumpkins.  But I was proud of myself for letting him do his thing and I just stood back and snapped like a crazy women. 

My husband asked me when I will realize that our son just doesn't like the camera right now....umm NEVER!! ;)

Monday, October 25, 2010

11 weeks...........

Today I would be 11 weeks pregnant.  Six days after turning 29, I miscarried our second child.  It has only been four days since that horrible trip to the Emergency Room and yet it feels like it was just 2 hours ago.  I woke up and cried this morning.  Cried for myself and other women who have had to experience the gut wrenching pain of losing a child.  I know I was only 10 and a half weeks pregnant when we lost Baby May 2, but I can still close my eyes and see his/her heartbeat on the U/S screen. 

I have been going back and forth about whether I want to share or not.  Share because there are other women out there feeling the same lose that I am.  To share because I feel like it will help me heal.  Ease the dreams I have been having of feeling a baby kick in my belly knowing there is no baby there.  Or looking at PJ's in JCPenny and for a moment can't breathe because I see the cutest little girl Santa Clause PJ's and wonder if I have lost my only chance to have a little girl.

So I will Blog about how for 10 and a Half weeks I have been the happiest, most scared, and sickest I have ever been in my life.  But mostly importantly, I will Blog to share how through the tears, dark clouds, and deep sorrow, I find myself walking closer with God which I have been praying for for a very long time now..............

Saturday, October 23, 2010

You are amazing...........

Something huge has happened to our family which I am not ready to Blog about.  However through the tears, hugs, and many prayers, my husband pulled me into his arms and said he was thankful of me. Even called me amazing.  Said best thing in his life is me as his wife.  Held my hand and said he wouldn't change a thing about his life because he is beyond Blessed.  Then he laughed and said "Babe, I am so thankful for the hard, long (naps and bedtime total to be about 10days), exhausting, but NEVER gave up or gave in sleep training you did with Gabriel".

I laughed (beyond needed laugh) and asked why?  He then asked me if I realized that it has been a week since Gabriel has slept in his bed and he has had only one meltdown.  Not only has he been in not one, not two, but THREE new beds, he sleeps like a champ and naps. 

I smiled and said yes babe I realize this.  Laughed some more and said I am thankful mom picked up that phone during those naps and bedtimes where I wanted to give in.  I am also thankful for a husband who trusted me enough to let me stick with Sleep Training for 10 days.  The book was worth every 20 bucks I spent!!!

So tonight we are going out on a much needed date and I think he is going to buy me a new pair of boots to truly show his appreciation...wink wink!

Monday, October 18, 2010

Birthday, Road Trip, Home, Round Two

Yep I have turned 29.  The 14th came and went very uneventful and first time in 29 years I didn't want to celebrate.  Just too much going on but I still had a great day!! Woke up in a hotel room with Mickey Mouse on the TV.  Gabriel handed me two cards while Nathan sang happy birthday.  My boys are silly and love them dearly!!  Slowly rolled out of bed to make the last leg of our trip to Mississippi. 

Made it to MS late afternoon and stayed two night with FIL.  Took a couple of pictures of the grandkids together but mostly laughed all night.  My niece and nephew are great kids and they welcomed Gabriel with open arms.  He was very quiet the first night and think it was due to all the new people.  Last time he was in MS he was 4 months old.  The May side of the family need to travel and visit us *wink wink*

Saturday we made it to our final destination.....home...Home Sweet Home.  Louisiana.  We webcam with my parents often so Gabriel knows their faces.  Instantly took to mom, unpacked the car, and settled in for the next 4 and half weeks. 

Round Two of training has begun.  Nathan took off Sunday for Flight School while Gabriel and I stay here to visit with family and friends.  We will get to see him later in November for his Graduation and see my daddy pin Nathan's wings on!!! 

Miss my Ohio family and the Fall temperatures!!!!  However, being home has been way over due and a much needed mental break.  Can't wait till my dad and brother get back from the hunting trip.  Gabriel keeps asking for Papa!  Off for now....must save Gabriel from my parent's Boxer.  We call her licky-lick......
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