Just The Way You Are........Bruno Mars

Has begun one of my favorite songs.  I find peace, love, and understanding in this song.  I smile and sing at the top of my lungs wishing my husband was in the car with me just smiling at me.

My daddy likes to call me Fertile Mertle.  Why? It took only one night of major passion to conceive Gabriel.  I was shocked, scared, preparing for a move, and wasn't sure if I was ready to become a mother.  9 months later Gabriel arrived and he has been one of the biggest blessings to Nathan and I.

Jump to August 2010.  Two days/nights of passion and we conceive Baby #2.  This time I was not scared, but shocked that it only took once (again) to conceive.  Thing is both times we were not trying to make a baby.  Just beyond in love and it happened. 

We told our parents and made them promise to not share the news.  For some reason I was not ready to spread the news like we were with Gabriel.  Looking back I guess that was warning sign #1. 

Move forward to September and Nathan leaving for SERE School.  He left at 5:30am.  2:45pm my friend took me to the ER for I started to have serious bleeding and cramps.  Thank goodness her husband watched Gabriel.  Had the worst experience ever at the ER.  So horrible I am ashamed of the hospital for the care they gave me.  We left the ER being told I had miscarried and was about 6ish weeks pregnant.  Told to come back Friday for more blood work.

Friday comes, blood work is drawn again, and waiting starts for the Dr. to call about results.  Finally have the guts to tell Nathan what is going on and broke down in tears.  Not much he could do being in Washington State and in serious training.  So he made phone calls and finally got a Dr. to call me on a Friday night none the less.  Phone call resulted in me going up there Sunday for a full complete exam and more blood work.  ER was wrong I was still pregnant.

Sunday comes with the result of me put on the BETA Board and until further notice blood work twice a week and a vaginal ultrasound one-two times a week to monitor what my body was doing.  Ultrasound I was about 6 weeks pregnant.  Warning sign #2....the Dr. said medically I shouldn't be pregnant and do not understand why I am bleeding the way that I am. 

Wednesday comes and I meet another Dr. have another round of blood work, and more ultra sounds.  Positive news....they finally find a heartbeat.  This Dr. had a hard time finding the baby let alone the heartbeat.  Another Dr. was called in.  She was more forceful but found the heartbeat and baby.  Other news, found a blood clot very close to the baby.  This resulted the Dr. telling me to do modified bed rest.  Come back for more ultrasounds but no need for blood work. 

By this time the Hyperemesis has kicked in and hitting me harder than it did when I was pregnant with Gabriel!!  Zofran was issued and it seemed to work the first couple of days.  Move to the next week.  Same Dr. and again was having issues finding baby and understanding the blood clot and if it had grown or not.  Another Dr. was called in.  This time I knew the Dr. and saw him several times when pregnant with Gabriel.  I felt at ease because I trust him and his bed side manner is wonderful.

He looked at all the bleeding, size of baby, and blood clot.  He told me to do pelvic rest, monitor lifting and playing with Gabriel, and no exercise.  Explained to me that we are not out of the woods even though the baby had grown since last week.  Said he has seen women with more bleeding than me and 9 months later have a healthy baby.  Has also seen women with less bleeding than me and not have a successful pregnancy. 

Warning sign #3....his face.  He just had this look that I read as in this wasn't going to be a easy go.  This is when my heart finally caught up with my brain (or maybe the other way around) that we were not going to have a successful pregnancy.  I can't say what it was but just this over all feeling.  Mind you the other part of me was still praying that my feelings were wrong and that this baby was going to make it!

So they ordered me to go down to Radiology and have a complete ultrasound done.  Dr. wanted to have them examine the blood clot and see just how far along I really was. 

Monday came of the next week and the ultrasound was horrible.  The Tech was rough and couldn't find my ovaries!!!  When I asked him about the blood clot he was dumbfounded and asked who said I had a blood clot.  I told him that is the reason why I was here along with finding out exactly how far along I was.  Yeah....he said he didn't know. 

So mind you this is Monday.  I have run out of my medicines, bleeding heavily, and hurt from the ultrasound.  By now I have friends saving me and taking turns watching Gabriel from breakfast through dinner.  He comes home just in time for story time and bed.  In the meantime I am laying in bed all day and praying.  Praying for God to save this child.  Praying for the bleeding to stop.  Praying for the neausa to go away and all the throwing up to stop.  But more than anything I am praying for a freaking Dr. to call me back about the Ultrasound and refill my meds (Zofran and Phenegran).

During this time I can't talk with Nathan because he is in the part of training with no contact and out in the woods.  So my parents have been guiding me on what to do.  I call Nathan's boss, 1st Shirt, and explain to them exactly what is going on.  Letting them know that I am not ready for Nathan to pulled out of training but if I do get worse someone needs to know.

Move to Thursday night but same week.  Finally get to talk to Nathan.  Explain everything that has been going on.  He makes phone calls and finally a Dr. calls me back.  She said that she had been trying to call me but phone wasn't working...whatever.  We only have our cells and she never called.  Told me she will refill my meds and for me to call and make regular OB appointment because the blood clot was gone, they took me off the BETA Board as well.  When asked about the blood clot, man she stumbled over her words and basically lied through her teeth.  Said no blood clot and that the baby was doing great.

Nathan got home that weekend and we were horrible to each other.  Fighting, non-talking and just a hot mess.  Why....STRESS!!!!!

He goes to work on that Monday and makes an appt for me for that Wednesday.  Wed. comes and I finally have an offical OB appt.  Paperwork, blood work, and another Ultrasound.  I saw a NP and she was awesome!!! Took the time to read my file and talked with me about how I was doing and feeling.  We saw the heartbeat strong and said I was 8.2 weeks pregnant.  She even gave me a "due" date for May 12, 2011.  When asked about the blood clot she looked into the files and stumbled over her words.  Explained that sometimes the blood clots just go away or my body absorbs it.  I wanted to believe her but with the Radiology Tech, Dr. on phone, and now her, I felt like they were lying.  What the real story was there was a mistake about the ultrasound and the blood clot was not in the file to look up.  Do we know this for sure?  No but you know when you are being lied to!

None the less I went home with slight hope and more drugs!  Hope that I was just one of those women who bleed and that this baby was fighting like a champ to finally meet us 9 months later.  Yeah that hope didn't last long..........