One week already....

Went to the Pumpkin Shine tonight with Gabriel, my friend Jennifer, and her son Cameron.  When we lived in Louisiana Nathan and I would go to the Pumpkin Shine since we lived across from the park.  It is sponsored by a local school.  Where classrooms decorate pumpkins and then line them along the Park's Path.  Super cute, tons of people, and Gabriel was in Heaven pointing out all the Pun-Kins.  Pictures soon!!

While walking along the path I spotted my ER Doctor.  I kind of just stood and stared at him.  He looked up, looked at me, and then the puzzled looked cleared way to recognition.  He nodded his head and I smiled and continued to walk.  This made me realize it has been a week since I miscarried.

After my official OB Appt I went home with hope in my heart.  Two days later the hope crumbled.  I was taking a nap, to wake, roll over to get something off the nightstand, to feel this gush of blood all over me.  I just laid there for a moment and thought Oh My God!!  I threw back the covers to see myself covered in blood and sheets and mattress pad soaked as well.  I went into manic mode and had to save the mattress.  Yes funny things you do when your body naturally goes into protection mode.  I striped the bed, cleaned myself up, threw sheets and pad into washing machine, to lay back down and call Nathan.

He immediately left work and we cried.  Nathan fought with me about going back to the ER.  I told him no way.  I wasn't having cramps and felt like the "blood cot" had finally passed.  I explained that I understand the nurse in him wanted me to go but he needed to be my husband and respect my decision.  So we never went to the hospital and I laid low the entire weekend.  I explained to a couple of friends that I couldn't take another round in the hospital.  My arms and hands had finally healed from all the blood drawn and no bruises.  That the Dr. keep telling me there is nothing they can do this early on to save the baby.  So in my mind no need to go.

We made the decision that weekend that I would drive down with Nathan to Louisiana to spend the 5 weeks of his training with my parents.  My bleeding had become just the occasional spotting but the Hyperemesis hadn't let up.  We slowly packed and hit the road the following Wednesday.  The drive from Dayton to TN was pretty uneventful except for me getting sick a couple of times.  Gabriel did amazing as well as Bailee.

Made our first stop in TN.  Next day arrived in MS to stay two nights with his dad.  I hadn't thrown up in two days and was starting to feel better.  We thought either the excitement of almost being home or maybe I was finally getting out of the morning sickness stage.  Saturday came and we made it to my parents.  Still haven't thrown up but the nausa had come back.  Nathan left Sunday for San Antonio while we unpacked and settled in for out 5 week vacation being at home in Louisiana.

Move forward to Wednesday.  Woke up feeling weird and just couldn't put my finger on it.  Went to a movie that night with my best friend and cramps started half way through.  For whatever reason I didn't think anything of it.  Came home and got ready for bed.  That is when I passed the baby.  Crystal came back to stay with Gabriel while he slept so mom and I could go to the ER.

I will skip all the details of the trip of the ER.  I truly had amazing care there and thankful for having my mom.  For some reason I was so determined not to break down and I held myself together for the most part.  Till the ER Doctor confirmed I had indeed miscarried the baby.  He was so calm, sincere, and told me it was okay to cry as I kept apologizing over and over again for my tears.

The days afterwards were just gut wrenching.  Nathan was able to come home Thursday till Sunday.  My parents took over with Gabriel to let Nathan and I heal.  The rest of the time we just spent every minute as a family.  I tried my best not to cry with Gabriel around because I didn't want to freak him out.  At night Nathan held me while I cried, talked, and we prayed.

Nathan is back at training and I am healing.  Somehow through this process we have found a new love for one another.  We are closer than we have ever been and talk more too.  Then comes the joy, love, and appreciate we both have for Gabriel.  This past week I have been making sure my eyes are truly open to our son and not wanting to miss anything.

Seeing the Dr. tonight made me sad and I cried.  But the tears quickly went away as this calm feeling came over me.  I know in my heart we will have another baby or two in time.  Until then, I am focusing on my relationship with God first.  Then my family and friends.  This has honestly been the longest 12 weeks of my life.  However through the understanding and growth I wouldn't change it for anything.  God made Nathan and I go through this for a reason and I am seeing the reason.